


Don't Cry

by felinedetached



Series: Help People, Lose Yourself [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, this is a mess but so am i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 13:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12434121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felinedetached/pseuds/felinedetached
Summary: During your childhood, there was only ever you and your mother. She was alwaysthere, and while she was perhaps not the best mother, or the best role model, you loved her.





	Don't Cry

**Author's Note:**

> hi i know this doesnt make sense and im sorry plz enjoy

During your childhood, there was only ever you and your mother. She was always  _ there _ , and while she was perhaps not the best mother or the best role model, you loved her. You loved her even as she drank herself into oblivion, passing out regularly during the day. Sometimes, whilst drunk, she told you things.

 

“I do it because I’m hurting,” she said once. You don’t remember how old you were then.

 

During your childhood, you learnt to take care of her. You sat with her, rubbing her back as she cried, an empty bottle of vodka on the floor by your feet. After a while, you came to the realisation that you were all she had. The only person who would take care of her.

 

It didn’t matter that she was the one who was supposed to be taking care of you.

 

* * *

 

When you were five, she enrolled you for a school in New York. It was a private school for girls, around an hours drive from your home. When you first started, you didn’t realise the effects.

 

If you went, she’d be alone. If you went, she’d have no one to look after her.

 

Each day, when you got home, you’d find her passed out in various places around the house. At first, you tried to wake her up. As you got older, you dragged her to the nearest soft surface - be it the couch or her bed - and left her there instead. 

 

As you got older, psychology began to interest you. Studying it could help you help people, and maybe, help you help yourself. After all, throughout these years, you’d realised that no one was interested in helping you with your emotions. Getting you to help them was far more convenient for them, after all.

 

Studying psychology came with an unexpected bonus as well - it is far easier to hide your emotions behind psychoanalysis than it is anything else you’ve tried, and usually, people don’t want those helping them bursting into tears.

 

That was one of the first things about friendship that you learnt. Others emotions are more important than your own, so don’t cry. It doesn’t matter if they leave you when they’re done with you - that’s what you’ve offered, after all. Help, not friendship.

 

Honestly, you’re not sure if you know anything at all about friendship. All you’ve ever done is help people, and as a result, that’s all you’ve learnt anything about.

 

It doesn’t matter.

 

Helping people is what you do. Friendship has never been needed.

 

* * *

 

John is the first one you meet. He’s kind, and he doesn’t talk about his problems much. Your screen could be filled with lines of blue text, and there’s never a mention of anything wrong.

 

There’s no such thing as a person with no problems, and you dig deep, trying to find them.

 

He has issues with confectionaries and Betty Crocker. There are some underlying issues with his dad, but they aren’t major and will sort themselves out with time. They seem to be mostly about the sheer number of cakes his dad bakes, which is not something you  _ can _ really help with anyway.

 

There’s also the matter of his sexuality, but you trust him to figure it out in time.

 

* * *

 

After a while, John introduces you to someone new. Her name is Jade, and her text is bright vivid green. She’s excessively happy, and, like John, doesn’t talk about her problems much. She overuses emoticons and loves a TV show called the Squiddles. While you enjoy the slightly more eldritch components of the show, she seems to enjoy the themes of magic and friendship.

 

You expend all your energy trying to discover her problems.

 

The only one you could discern is her isolation. That is, once again, something you can’t really help with.

 

Knowing that your… friends have problems you can’t help with is terrifying. It hurts in a way you’ve never really felt before. You ignore the pain.

 

* * *

 

When you meet Dave, you meet someone you can help. The way he portrays himself online reveals so much about him, and you notice his problems almost instantly.

 

He has issues with his bro, although it takes you a while to figure out exactly what they are. He’s glaringly insecure and has obvious issues with his sexuality, which he hasn’t yet figured out. You want to help him, despite knowing that once you do, he’ll cast you aside.

 

Everyone does, after all.

 

Not that it matters.

 

Helping Dave, and people like him, is your priority.

 

But Dave doesn’t seem to want help. Multiple times, you attempt to broach one of the topics only to be pushed away in response. He shuts down, his apathetic cool-kid persona coming up like an impenetrable wall. Pushing more only makes it worse, but you have to  _ try. _ If you can’t help people, then what can you do?

 

If you can’t help people, then you’re worthless.

 

* * *

 

_ You’re fifteen, and it’s always been you, Roxy, Dirk and Dave. Your mother is always drunk, always needs help, and you’re almost always the one to provide it. Dave’s always with your father, and he never has time to help. On the rare occasion that he’s not, you’re helping him bandage the various wounds. _

 

_ Roxy took a page from your mother’s book and started drinking herself into oblivion each night. When she’s sober, you spend your time sitting with her, comforting her on her failed relationship with Calliope. It was distance that broke them apart. _

 

_ Dirk’s always talking to his boyfriend, although you can tell that things are getting strained between them. They’ll break up soon, and you’ll have to help him as well. _

 

_ You’re sick of helping people. _

 

_ When you leave, you have to struggle not to look back. You will one day, but for now you have places to be and money to earn. _

 

_ You can deal with anything that comes your way. _

 

_ After all, you’ve been dealing with the things that come for everyone else. _

 

* * *

 

The door closed on Sburb, and those who survived were left traumatised. John stays at home, alone, and barely talks to anyone. You recognise the signs, but you make no move to help.

 

Dirk and Jake’s relationship is improving, but you can see the scars left from the remains of their previous relationship have not fully healed. It might end in tragedy, but you do not intervene.

 

Kanaya seems happy with her marriage to you, but you know you worry her more often than not. That, you don’t even know how to change.

 

Dave and Karkat seem happy together, but their histories have left marks on the both of them. You make no move to help with that either.

 

Jade, like John, remains alone. She fills her house with plants and seems happy in her relationship with Dave and Karkat, and in her presence in a society. There must be something wrong - there always is, but you can’t see it, and so you cannot help.

 

Roxy, Jane and Calliope seem to have the most functional relationship out of all that remains. They have extravagant dates together and snapchat everyone about how adorable their significant others are and you’re happy for them.

 

And you…

 

You’re not entirely sure how you are.

 

Those you can help, you don’t even try to. Kanaya’s worried, and you can’t bring yourself to pay it more notice than you would a passing thought. If you do, you’ll cry.

 

* * *

 

_ You are seventeen, and living by yourself. The books you write aren’t good enough to reach bestseller status, and even with two part-time jobs, you’re barely able to afford your bills. You’re exhausted, both physically and mentally, but in the long run, that doesn’t matter. _

 

_ You’re out. Emotional exhaustion used to be a constant, but now it only occurs occasionally after a long day at work. _

 

_ “Don’t cry,” you remember telling yourself. “Don’t cry, because if you do, they’ll have to deal with you as well as themselves.” _

 

_ You cry, and for the first time in two years, you look back. _


End file.
